The Communist Party of America
I have not offered many clear personal details about myself so far, but it may interest some of you to know that I work for the Communist Party of America. No, not that wussy impostor organization you may have heard of whose leaders all teach at the University of California. The identity of the real American Communist Party may surprise some, especially knowing that its unofficial motto during the height of the Cold War was “Kill a Commy for Mommy!”
It is probably not even clear to most Party members that, while they are pledged to defend the ideals of the American way of life, they are on a giant socialist and totalitarian island in the middle of our free capitalist paradise. It seems odd to outsiders, but for many members the social justice and iron-fisted rule of our Party feel very… reassuring. Personally, I can say that in spite of job security and free fitness club membership, I definitely have my gripes.
But even on days when job-related craziness is really getting me down, I can always take comfort in the thought that really, it’s getting everyone down, even the top leaders. There’s no one who doesn’t feel oppressed by the system, because the system is bigger than everyone. Our Party isn’t much different from any other large beauracracy, based on the principle that none of us can be as stupid as all of us, but every once in a while we’ll all get something right.
So on days like today, I can sit on my bed and thank America for inventing the 2-day weekend, and the foreign Communists and all our other enemies for giving me the chance to experience this alternate mini-society. At least until the time comes to cut ties and venture back into that jungle we call the free world.